Sunday, September 5, 2010
Where I Wanna Be
The road to happy is riddled with pot holes, slick with oil, a long winding road that seems flat and endless. But it's where I wanna be.
Depression has jumped on my back and dug in its claws, refusing to relinquish its hold without a battle. I have no will to fight. I have fallen in the rabbit hole, and can see no sign of escape, of rescue, no sign of light. The day is sunny, but the darkness surrounds me. My heart is heavy, the tears threaten to fall over everything and nothing in particular. I just want to be left alone but don't want to be lonely anymore.
I'm tired of hopelessness. I'm tired of sadness. I'm tired of wandering lost thru a life that is supposed to be mine. I'm tired of negativity, manipulation, threats and stress. I'm tired of trying to grieve and having my time interrupted by the insecurities and needs of others thrust upon me. I'm tired of being misunderstood by people who not only don't try to understand me but don't want to. More than being loved I want to be understood, accepted, for who and what I am, instead of trying to be fixed, altered, to be someone who is easier to get along with. I am difficult yet simple if you just try. It might not seem worth it but the payoff would have been so big it would have made it all worthwhile. I am tired of being chained to the past. I'm tired of worrying about the future. I'm tired of coming in last every time, I'm tired of being blamed for everything, I'm tired of the twists and turns that confuse and confound me, the verbal barbs that wrap around my heart and head making me dizzy and heartbroken. I'm tired of closing myself off because I'm so cynical I know that when I try I am only going to be taken for granted. What I give freely will not be returned, because I am not worth the effort. That is not my fault, but the fault of the ones who deem me that way, who see an easy target, who tell me the horrible deeds I'm capable of when I do not have an evil heart. They can not convince me I am this horrible person, because I deflect their attacks, hold up the mirror so they can see what they try to put on me is really their reflections.
So I push myself along, on the road to happy, hoping it will be around the next corner, over the next hill, hoping, always hoping I will arrive at my destination. I know happiness will not rescue me. I know happiness will not fix what is wrong in my life. But happiness will make the hardships easier to bear. Happiness will knock depression away, salve my wounds, and give me a reason to keep going. It will act as my guiding light thru the darkness that surrounds me. It will pick me up and keep me going when I otherwise want to give up.
We are responsible for our own happiness. I have not always been happy with my circumstances, with the direction my life has taken, with the people or things in my world. But I have discovered a happiness with myself. I finally see that what others find annoying I find endearing. What others think is high maintenance is really quirkiness. What others see as weird is really weird, in a good way. If only they could have celebrated me the way I do. If only they could see that maybe the problem isn't me, but within themselves. If only they looked into a mirror instead of just glass. If only they were happy with themselves. Maybe we could be happy together.