Saturday, December 3, 2011

Emotions in Motion

"That old alarm clock gives a yell
Starting another day in hell
Passing a world I can't face with you gone"--Nick Lowe/Cold Grey Light of Dawn

At this moment in time, I am very emotionally fragile.  Everything threatens to make me cry.  Yes, it is very close to that time of the month, which does nothing to ease the situation, and besides, women hate when you blame it all on that.  I can be at work, doing fine, doing my thing, and faintly hear the song "Home" by Michael Buble drift to my ears, and I literally have to blink back the tears.  Some days it's harder than others.  I love the song "Fidelity" by Regina Spektor but for some reason it always makes me cry now.  I used to be safe, now I'm on shaky ground and if I can't make order out of chaos then I am no better than a lost soul wandering around in the woods.  

My children miss their Grandmas, and their Grandpa, but they don't know what it's like to lose a parent.  They are where I was months ago.  You believe that your parents will be around forever.  And then forever ends.  Just like that.  There is a hole in you that never fills.  Life shows signs of tarnish, the corners fray and unravel, the color and the beauty dulls, and it stays that way no matter how long and hard you polish, no matter how many patches you sew or knots you tie in the loose ends.  

I skipped a writing on my birthday.  I turned 45 but is that really some great feat?  My Mom turned 45, and she still ended up dead.  So will I.  So does any of it really matter?  I skipped a writing on Thanksgiving, even though I am thankful for so much.  And now, we plow into Christmas again, and the depression mounts, and I am trying to shake it but it ain't easy.  The blows keep coming and coming and I hate having to be strong, pretend nothing bothers me.  My sister battles cancer, my Dad turned 84, and every time the phone rings and it's a 513 area code I am immediately seized with panic.  You know it could come at any time, but no matter how much you try to prepare you are never ready.

I just wanna go home.

I can't let the thought of dying ruin the rest of my life.  I have to do something that means something so I don't waste the gift of life bestowed on me.  My beautiful daughter will be home from Germany in a little over a week, and she is my best friend and lifeline.  Every time she is here things are just better.  My boys are here and they help me laugh and give me someone to love.  My dogs are a constant source of joy, and the man I married is a constant source of entertainment.  The Bengals finally have a better team.  I am reading again, and enjoying it, and hopefully that will lead to writing.  I have to find my way, in the shadows of grief, to make it count, make it worthwhile, make it mean something before it's my time to go.  

So maybe a good cry is in order.  Get it out of my system so I can smile again, laugh again, lighten up again.  That's what my Mom would want, because that's how she lived her life.  No regrets.  From here on out, no regrets.