Friday, February 24, 2012

Dark Clouds Choking out the Rainbows

I feel lately like I'm standing on the edge of a cliff, toes curled over the rocky ledge, an eager wind pushing at my back, daring me to dive into the murky depths of the frigid, rocky water below.  I don't want to, but sometimes I feel as if the choice was taken from me, by the windy fingers, by the depression that has holds me captive, by the land that decided to stop in front of me and lead only to one place--down.  I can't shake it, no matter how hard I try, no matter how fast I run in the opposite direction it all leads back to that cliff.  No, I'm not talking suicide.  I would never do that.  I'm talking about drowning in a depression that gets deeper every day, stealing the joy in my life and leaving it as a puddle of tears.  I don't want to depend on pills for my happiness.  That wouldn't be me, that would be me on mood altering drugs (and not the fun kind of my teenage years, either) and that's not someone I want to be.  I just want someone to teach me how to deal with this, with death and loss and sadness.  I want someone to show me how to pick up the pieces, glue them back together so they have some semblance of meaning that allows me to not feel as if I'm just waiting for my death.  I need a life that has purpose, I need a reason to keep going, I need to do something worthwhile, something that changes the world, even if it is just my small portion of it.  I feel restless, like I've wasted so much of this wonderful life God gave me, and I need to make the most out of the time I have left.  But what to do, how to do it, where to go, how to get I do nothing.  I go nowhere.  I waste more time.  

It's hard to accept that I will never know the love my parents shared for over 60 years.  The respect, the loyalty, the teamwork, two people who wanted the same thing and built a life accordingly.  We didn't have a lot of money growing up, but we had everything we needed.  I will never know great love.  That is heartbreaking, but it's my fault.  I sold myself short.  I accepted less than what I should have.  But thinking about their love, their marriage, has me really questioning my own life, and how I want to live the rest of it.  

Until I find a way to shake this dark cloud and find my way back to the rainbows, I will stand on the edge of this cliff and avoid looking down.  I will look up--to God, to heaven, to my Mom, and try to find that reason, that purpose, that sparks the fire of passion in my soul, giving me something to fight for.  I don't want to sit around waiting for death.  That's no way to live.  And I'm not ready to die.  

" There's no sight of the morning coming
There's no sign of the day
You've been left on your own
Like a Rainbow
Like a Rainbow in the Dark Yeah . . .
Your a Rainbow in the Dark