"In our appetite for gossip, we tend to gobble down everything before us, only to find, too late, that it is our ideals we have consumed, and we have not been enlarged by the feasts but only diminished."--Pico Iyer
I have been called many things in my day, some that have impressed me with the ingenuity behind the alleged insult, some that have been true so I've simply shrugged them off, some that have pierced my heart like a needle bringing tears to my eyes and a stinging in my soul, some that have outright pissed me off and more than a few that have made me laugh. I've deserved some, earned some, and done nothing wrong to get others. Mostly they've just been labels flung at me by a society who feels the need to fit in and belong at all costs, and I've managed to survive because I don't cling to conformity. I like to fit into the fringes of society, just enough to function but not enough to get caught in the endless and tiresome games society plays at a randomly chosen victim's expense.
I have been a randomly chosen victim. An easy mark, if you will. Because I have possessed one thing that these labelers have been unable to grasp--silence. Is it merely a coincidence that I've acquired the skill to stop a forked tongue before it wags, or is it related to the hearing impairment monkey on my back since my pre-teen years? Call it quiet, call it shy, call it withdrawn, it's probably all of those and more, but it's definitely something I've known was different about me since I was in kindergarten, maybe even before. I've always felt it, that eerie distance, I've always known I belong outside the circle. I used to think it meant there was something wrong with me, but now I realize it's just how it is. Sure, sometimes it's lonely, but sometimes it's comforting too. And I've given up pretending to be someone I'm not. No, I save the costumes for Halloween. You will not find a more loyal, honest, or reliable person than me, if you dig thru the outer layer of frost to get to the warm soul underneath. Not many people have succeeded, but those who have will always have an ally. I will always have their backs. All I ask is that same loyalty in return. Needless to say, I'm disappointed quite frequently.
I prefer to stand in the background, watching and listening, absorbing the scene playing out around me like a sponge. I don't need the spotlight, the standing ovation, the reassuring praise and pat on the head saved for those whose insecurities are obvious. I toot my own horn, so to speak, in the shadows, in the darkness, usually with the people that the labelers wouldn't even acknowledge. Because they are the heart and soul of the world. Not the ones always shouting "Look at me! Listen to me!" The ones who hold their tongues, who keep the secrets, they are the people I associate with. Words are sacred to them, and I know they are capable of going to the death without revealing a confidence. I'm one of them. I've done it. Well, not gone to the death, obviously, because I'm still here, but kept it until it was divulged by the person's own will. Done it more than once, actually. So when I say "You can trust me" you should know you really can.
But there are those whose diarrhea of the mouth is used to gain them friends, attention, notoriety, fame, kudos, whatever sick and twisted thing they are missing in their own sordid lives. Hell, half the time these people will call themselves out, opening their own secrets for the world to see. The others are merely hypocrites, outing other people while sticking their own secrets in a lock box and swallowing the key. And the ones who confide only to those who will side with them, they are a whole different hot mess barely deserving a side note in this entry.
I have no use for small talk, even less use for gossip. Sometimes I don't hear things until way after the fact, when the smoke has already cleared. Sometimes I don't hear it at all, thank God. Sometimes I hear and pretend I didn't, and when a friend is the butt of the nonsense I let them know. Gossip never ever helped a situation. I've never heard anyone say "I'm so glad you told me all that about so-and-so, I feel much better about the situation now!" No, no good can come from it. I listen, sometimes. It's unavoidable. But I try to keep my mouth shut. Lately though I realize that's not right, either. When the gossip dragon looms in front of me, even if it wasn't breathing fire in my direction, I need to do my part to slay it. That would be like a superhero walking past a person in need saying "That's not my fight." It is my responsibility to do what I can to end pointless and evil gossip before it spirals out of control, enveloping everything in a torturous kudzu of sentences growing wildly out of control all because one individual overheard one tiny seed and decided to plant it in another person's garden. If I don't, I'm an unwilling cog in the wheel of gossip that allows it to keep turning. And that's not something I'm comfortable with.
It's easy to get caught up in the gossip wheel. It's usually interesting, because it's always the dirt about someone. But that someone is usually a randomly chosen victim, maybe even someone who thought they were talking to someone they could trust. I have betrayed trust in the past, and I have had my trust betrayed more times than that. I know how horrible it feels to do and have it done to me. It's a choice. It's always a choice, isn't it? It's easier to succumb to it than to stand against it. I'm too strong to take the easy way out. I'd rather stand for something. That's my choice. I choose silence. It is golden. It is kind. It is quiet. And coming from someone who uses technology just to be able to hear a regular conversation, that says a lot.
A Sarcastic Fringehead. How can you not love the name? Watching him defend his home is enviable. If people could puff up like that, there would be a lot less fighting in the world. This seemed like a natural name for my blog. Maybe I can identify with this fish, maybe I just really like the name, but I think we all have some fringehead in us, and those who don't should. But there were a few runner up names that would have been more than sufficient. Now you're gonna know what they are!
that duct tape was meant for actual ducts, things would have made more sense.
that sushi actually tastes good, I would have eaten more of it.
that one day I wouldn't be able to bask in the heated glow of the sun, I would have appreciated it more when I could.
that I would sell myself short, I would have upped my price.
that one day I would fear that I wasted too many years, I would have made the most of every day.
that one day I wouldn't believe in myself, I would have given myself more of a chance.
that sometimes as much as you try to love someone they make it really hard for you to do so, I would have tried harder instead of giving up.
that I wasn't really ready for major life changes, I would have given myself more time to prepare and mature.
that life sometimes really does give you lemons, I would have offered life a trade, perhaps some prunes, or an avocado.
that motherhood was this freakin' hard yet the best thing I ever did, I would have enjoyed it a lot more, even the vomit, sleepless nights, tears and boogers, because one day they might not need me anymore.
that I would gain weight, I would have bought some bigger clothes and ate more dessert!
that sometimes you really do have to know when to say when, I would have said it years ago.
that other people would try to tell me how to live my life, I would have told them to go to hell.
that you can't please everyone, I would have tried more to please myself.
that I was important, I wouldn't have let anyone else forget it.
that other people's problems, insecurities, jealousies, hatred, bias, possessiveness, doubt, shame, guilt weren't my problem, I would have cut them out of my life and enjoyed myself more.
that no one has the right to tell you who they will allow you to be friends with, I would have had a bunch of friends.
that no one owns me, I would have owned myself.
that no one has the right to treat me any way they want and expect me to take it, I wouldn't have taken it.
that I really didn't want to be by myself so much, I would have enjoyed company more.
that hugging, a caring caress, a warm smile, holding someone's hand for comfort, a pat on the back, and a kiss on the cheek is okay, I would have opened myself up and given more to those who truly need it.
that it's great to be crazy, I wouldn't have tried to appear so sane!
that normal is overrated, I would have been myself--and liked it.
that I have a purpose, I would have accomplished more.
that all I really wanted was to be loved by someone first, I wouldn't have accepted being loved by someone last.
that some people won't let themselves be happy and will never appreciate the good in their lives because they focus on the bad, I wouldn't have allowed them into my life.
that life isn't painless, you will hurt and be hurt and you will learn from it and grow and change, then I would have learned a long time ago to forgive--myself and others. No one can expect you to never hurt them, and you can never expect to not be hurt. But you can choose to forgive and move on.
that I would find myself stuck between a rock and a hard place, I would have stayed in the field full of wildflowers!
that I really am a good person despite the bad things I have done/will do, I would have loved myself more.
that when someone treats you badly, you should leave, I would have left.
that happiness really does make you feel better, and being nice gives you peace, I would have always been that way.
that laughter really is the best medicine, I would have laughed every day, and given someone else laughter, instead of letting someone's frowns run my life.
that that little itch could be telling me something, I would have bought stock in Head and Shoulders.
that it's okay to be me, I would have been me every day.
My voyage of self-discovery hit turbulent seas, uncharted waters, and sharks circling the dinghy (By definition, a dinghy is a type of small boat, often carried or towed by a larger vessel. In this reference, however, the dinghy could refer to my mind, or consciousness, being towed by the larger vessel of my body. However, I could have used dingy--commonly confused with dinghy for those not current on their aquatic vernacular--which means to be a little bit ditsy, not all together there. Usually refers to a shallow or not too bright person. Both would be perfectly acceptable when referring to me and my mind.) I can barely tread water, forgot my life jacket, and there's a hole in my life raft. Plus, I sunburn really easily.
Okay, let's head to the beach for a minute, swab some zinc on your nose, grab a fruity drink with dangling paper umbrellas, and watch as reality hangs over our heads like a dark storm cloud, thunder rumbling and lightning bolts ready to strike. I've discovered lately that the cumulonimbus is always ready to descend, always threatening to rain on my parade, always whipping the seas into a frenzy tossing my poor ol' dingy into the rocks.
I realized that the more I learn about myself the more questions I have. That could be construed as valuable; it means I'm always learning, always growing, always changing, always willing to see a different side of things with an open mind. But it can create chaos, utter confusion, and actually cause me to look in the mirror and not recognize the face staring back at me. I might perceive me to be one way, and someone else sees me in a totally different light, and a third person sees someone else entirely. How can I say that I am just me, when there are so many mes that different people see? (Okay, now I sound like a Dr. Seuss book, perhaps called How Many Mes Do You See? with a three-headed traumblebot on the cover...I made that up. There's no such thing as a traumblebot. No, not even in a Dr. Seuss book. Seriously, I'm not a traumblebot...but you have to admire that it's a mythical three-headed creature and I used its name three times. Yeah, I'm clever like that.)
So anyway, who am I, really? Why can one person think I'm all that, while another thinks I'm no good, when another thinks I'm quiet while the other person thinks I'm too loud? How can I be all that and still be able to say I'm just me? Just me? WHO IS JUST ME? And which me is right? The one I think I am, or the one he, she, or they think I am? Maybe I'm a chameleon, a different person to different people depending on who that person needs me to be, while remaining true to myself when I get home and shed the exterior of what the world believes me to be. Can I be a sober drunk? A lazy jogger? An ugly beauty? A thin fat person? A messy maid? Can I be June Cleaver, Marge Simpson and Roseanne Conner all rolled into one? Or can I simply just be?
I have learned some interesting things about myself in recent weeks, some I've had a feeling about, others I pretty much knew already but certain events removed all doubt, and others I never even had a clue about. But age brings wisdom, and with it a deeper understanding of our human complexities and simplicities, our machinations and our divine enlightenments, our morals, motivations, thought process, consciousness, habits, tendencies, values, dreams, goals, and failures. Each of those discoveries helps us to be a more complete person, able to be who we need to be to whomever we need to be that way with. That will keep us on the right path in life, seeking answers to the questions about who and why we are.
Someone once told me that I am the hardest person to live with. Am I? Aren't we all? I've never heard anyone say "So and so is the easiest person to live with." But take it from someone who has lived with me for 43 and a half years and has reveled in her dingy dinghy--I ain't so bad!
Imagine, if you will that one day you're just cruising along in life, doing the best you can, and your left ear just stops working. You give it a couple of good whacks, but it just up and quits on ya. Frustration, terror, anger, sadness, all these emotions tidal wave you until you wish you'd just drown already. How will you get thru the work day, when that ear just happens to be the one closest to the dentist you're assisting? Do you bother to explain to patients why you sound like a doofus saying huh? what? excuse me? after nearly everything they say? And what do you do when you get a mumbler--a hearing impaired's worse nightmare? Not to mention the soft spoken--fuggedaboutit!!
This is one of my worst nightmares, a dilemma I've become all too familiar with. So let's continue with my situation--now the average person can't take their ear to the shop, but since becoming depended on acrylic masses of circuitry and batteries, I can. And I have. Quite often. In fact, this latest adventure marks the third time I've had to drop my ear off for repairs, the second time for the left, so I can confidently deduce that the right one will blow in the near future. I will have owned these ears a year come August 14, and they've been repaired more times than my tv, stove, dishwasher, microwave, car, and computer combined. So much for modern technology. So the ordeal that began one fateful day in February of 2009 when my old, out-of-date "cheap" ears (they were $950 each, the low end of the digital ears, lasting six years with NO repair time even after I accidentally dropped one in the toilet trying to put it in way too early in the morning!) decided they had heard their last word, succumbed to the ravages of sound technology. Best advice--never trust just anyone with your ears, because the hearing don't value sound like someone who can't hear. They take it for granted, confident that when they get up and go to work their ears will hear everything they need to hear. Those of us who depend on machinery and the expertise of others just to be able to hear the blessings of a loved one, or even the curses of an enemy, always carry a bit of nervous hesitation. When the low battery signal beeps, is that the aid's dying breath? Will changing the battery, changing the filter, be enough to resuscitate them? Tune in next week for the exciting conclusion of When the Hearing Aid Dies...
But seriously folks, here's an experiment for you, something that can teach you to value the gift of sound. One day, when you wake up, put an ear plug in one of your ears, then go thru the next three or four days with only one ear. People think I have super hearing because I have something to amplify sound, but it only gives me regular ears, and when one is in the shop, it messes everything up. I still don't hear everything, but I can hear what matters. So after you go thru a few days in my world, in my ears, take the ear plug out and be thankful for the amazing things you hear.
My frustration comes from people who act like it's no big deal for me to struggle thru my day with only one ear. "Well, it'll take a week to repair", "You'll have to pay to have it shipped overnight even though it's still in warranty", these out of the mouth of the hearing, blasphemers in my hearing impaired kingdom, in which I am the queen. "Off with their heads" I shout, though no one hears me because their ears are damaged and have been sent for repairs. Thank God we don't need our ears to think or read. I wish I could make the hearing understand what it is like for us, the impaired, but until someone takes away their ears, they will never know my world. Keep in mind I am by no means rich. I don't have a money tree, and my bank account is the same number as my I.Q. more often than not. So to think of the money I shelled out for these wonderful advancements in modern technology for the hearing impaired, enough money to buy one or possibly two of my children a decent used car, I cringe every time one of them dies. If they were a car, they would have been classified a lemon by now, and I would either have gotten a replacement or my money back to get a replacement. But basically the office tells me I'm S.O.L, 'cause my 30 day trial period is up. So all because some whacked out "professional" audiologist dicked me over, I have to pay for these and wonder every day if it will work when I turn it on, and live in fear that one day both will stop on the same day. (and I take way better care of these than i did the "cheap" ones that lasted six years with no repairs) Or I can plunge even deeper in debt, go to my new ENT and have new ones made. I should have taken better care of the money tree, and probably shoulda planted those magic beans instead of serving them with tacos.
I don't have the luxury of putting my life on hold when this happens, which seems to be frequently. I can't just say "Sorry boss, no can hear" and take a week off until they get around to fixing my ear. No, I have to struggle thru my days, knowing that people will think I'm stupid because I can't hear, they will label me defective, they will talk about me behind my back or worse yet to my face, and I will never know. This is my cross to bear, and I've been dragging it around since my teens, and I will continue to do so for the rest of my life, living in fear that one day even machines won't help me and I will be left alone in silence, watching life rush by without me.
I am a firm believer that what does not kill us makes us stronger, and the fact that I've been marching along for 43 years is my testimony that I have endured many hardships, and God willing I will survive many many more. I am learning to accept my impairment, my defect, my imperfection. I can joke about it now instead of ignoring it, hiding from it, keeping it a secret, or worse being embarrassed by it. I can stand up and say "My name is Joyce, and I am hearing aid dependent" with pride. I saw a news story about a man, Donnie Fritts, who had to have a portion of his face removed due to a tumor or he would die, and he overcame being afraid to go outside and letting the world see him how he is. He is alive, and his wife Sharon is still madly in love with him, because even though part of him is gone, he's still the same person he has always been. He will be a source of inspiration to me as I suffer set backs, because no matter how badly I think I have it, I know this cross I carry is nothing compared to some. I am lucky.
I will pick up my ear today, and hopefully it will work and I will be temporarily restored until the next time. My ears are a small part of me as a whole, and those who really matter to me know that. Being impaired has taught me compassion, patience, understanding, it has shown me that I need to reach out to those who feel they are defective and let them know how wonderful they are. I hate to break it to ya, but everyone is flawed in some way, even those who preach perfection. We all have something wrong with us, but who cares? How boring would life be if we were all these immaculate automatons marching thru life in the same shoes? How would we learn humility, empathy, or sympathy? I will accept you, flawed and vulnerable, as I hope you will do me. (sorry, I had a "that's what she said" moment over the last part of that sentence. i'm flawed, remember?)
So maybe I have found an objective, a goal, a cause to defend. Maybe I need to fight for other hearing impaired individuals, that we are treated fairly, and work at getting hearing aids covered by insurance, because for a great many of us, they are a necessity. Maybe this experience is prompting me to learn sign language, something I've always wanted to do anyway. And maybe, growing up good friends with a girl whose sister wore hearing aids practically from birth was a sign of things to come. You do what you gotta do to get thru each day, and with any luck you will touch someone else's life along the way and change it. I think the hearer's need an awakening. And I'm gonna make them hear me loud and clear. My ears are defective, my hearing is impaired; I however, am not.
I debated starting at #25, but decided not to. Too much work, and I'm not mentally prepared for it. So here they are, the top played, so you can see where my musical tastes lie in comparison to your own. Hopefully you are as unique as I strive to be.
1. Bad Things--Jace Everett, 26 hits
2. I Gotta Feeling--Black Eyed Peas, 23 hits
3. Athena--The Who, 20 hits
4. A Little Less Conversation (JXL Radio Edit Remix)--Elvis Presley, 19 hits
5. The Little Things--Danny Elfman, 17 hits
6. Handlebars--Flobots, 15 hits
7. Are You Jimmy Ray?--Jimmy Ray, 15 hits
8. Down with the Sickness (Explicit)--Richard Cheese, 15 hits
9. Friend Like Me--Robin Williams, 14 hits
10. Come Home--Back Door Slam, 13 hits
11. What I'm Lookin' For (Ad Version)--Brendan Benson, 13 hits
12. Brown Derby Jump--Cherry Poppin' Daddies, 13 hits
13. Feeling Good--Michael Buble, 13 hits
14. Say Hey (I Love You)--Michael Franti, 13 hits
15. Everything Falls Apart--Dog's Eye View, 12 hits
16. Don't Lie to Me--Dokken, 12 hits
17. Suicide Boulevard--Little River Band, 12 hits
18. Real World--Matchbox Twenty, 12 hits
19. Bedrock Twitch--Rock Roll, 12 hits
20. Cradle of Love--Billy Idol, 11 hits
21. Run-Around--Blues Traveler, 11 hits
22. Jerk it Out--The Ceasars, 11 hits
23. Sisters are Doin' It for Themselves--The Eurythmics, 11 hits
24. Happy Anniversary--Little River Band, 11 hits
25. Vogue--Madonna, 11 hits
How many of these songs do you like? How many have you never even heard of? I've got bits and pieces of everything on my iPod. 2,716 songs and growing. I've even got Barbra Streisand!! And honestly, I'm surprised Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego isn't up there, that's a favorite, or Eep Op Ork Ah Ah (that means I love you). I get a lot of my songs from T.V. shows, movies, and commercials. Half the fun is finding them. How colorless would life be without music? How dull and uninteresting. Life would be no more than bland, chilled food on a paper plate without music to give it warmth and spice. I love my iPod, my music, and I will continue to belt out tunes while in the shower, or driving my car, no matter how off key voice cracking like Peter Brady I sound. Life is supposed to be off key, so march to your own drummer, crank whatever music you like, shake your booty and belt it out like the fat lady ending the opera! You'll feel better if you do!
“Life moves on, whether we act as cowards or heroes. Life has no other discipline to impose, if we would but realize it, than to accept life unquestioningly. Everything we shut our eyes to, everything we run away from, everything we deny, denigrate or despise, serves to defeat us in the end. What seems nasty, painful, evil, can become a source of beauty, joy, and strength, if faced with an open mind. Every moment is a golden one for him who has the vision to recognize it as such.” Henry Miller
"I don't know if I continue, even today, always liking myself. But what I learned to do many years ago was to forgive myself. It is very important for every human being to forgive herself or himself because if you live, you will make mistakes--it is inevitable. But once you do and you see the mistake, then you forgive yourself and say, 'well, if I'd known better I'd have done better,' that's all. So you say to people who you think you may have injured, 'I'm sorry,' and then you say to yourself, 'I'm sorry.' If we all hold on to the mistake, we can't see our own glory in the mirror because we have the mistake between our faces and the mirror; we can't see what we're capable of being. You can ask forgiveness of others, but in the end the real forgiveness is in one's own self. I think that young men and women are so caught by the way they see themselves. Now mind you. When a larger society sees them as unattractive, as threats, as too black or too white or too poor or too fat or too thin or too sexual or too asexual, that's rough. But you can overcome that. The real difficulty is to overcome how you think about yourself. If we don't have that we never grow, we never learn, and sure as hell we should never teach."--Maya Angelou
Two very powerful, thought-provoking quotes. I will come back to these often myself, for guidance, inspiration, and a reminder that I am flawed, but I am also forgiven.
